


Vanilla Twilight

by TheAngelInDeansButt



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Dean and Cas have (had) a daughter, Do not read if that triggers you, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Shooting, Suicide, like with guns, resulting in character death, story related spoilers in the tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:34:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27372769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAngelInDeansButt/pseuds/TheAngelInDeansButt
Summary: Since the entire fandom is convinced we'll lose Cas in the upcoming episode, here you go anyway.PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS IF IT WILL TRIGGER YOU. READ THE TAGS FIRST. I MEAN IT. Just because I cope with my characters dying by killing them before the show can, doesn't mean everyone else has to be okay with it. Please click on the little x if this is not for you. I won't tolerate any hate comments; you have been warned.I recommend listening to Vanilla Twilight by Owl City while readingHappy reading (or in this case, not)
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	Vanilla Twilight

**Author's Note:**

> Since the entire fandom is convinced we'll lose Cas in the upcoming episode, here you go anyway.
> 
> PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS IF IT WILL TRIGGER YOU. READ THE TAGS FIRST. I MEAN IT. Just because I cope with my characters dying by killing them before the show can, doesn't mean everyone else has to be okay with it. Please click on the little x if this is not for you. I won't tolerate any hate comments; you have been warned.
> 
> I recommend listening to Vanilla Twilight by Owl City while reading
> 
> Happy reading (or in this case, not)

Three years, Cas thought to himself as he stared up at the ceiling of his room. It had been exactly three years since the day Cas’s life changed, and he still couldn’t wrap his mind around that. With a sigh he rolled over and frowned at the empty space besides him. Three years later. It still made him break down to think about what had happened, and yet, that’s exactly what plagued his nightmares more often than not.

**_The stars lean down to kiss you_**  
**_And I lie awake and miss you_**

_“Daddyyyyyyy I want to go out peaseeeee!” Cas smiled down at his 3 year old daughter, Sarah, where she was clinging to Dean’s jeans. Even though her back was turned towards Cas, he could clearly imagine her little face, which would be what Dean called a perfect puppy face. Where she learnt that from, neither of them knew, but they both agreed that when Sarah made that face, it was impossible to say no to her._

_“Really? You want to go out? But I thought you wanted to watch a movie with papa and me. Won’t you watch a movie with us then?” Dean tried to reason with her, but in vain._

_“Papa” Sarah turned to him and pleaded with those damn puppy eyes. “Tell daddy we can watch ‘punzel when we get back from the park. I want to go to the park peaseeeeeeeeeee.”_

_Cas and Dean looked at each other and shared a smile. They had talked about saying no to her demands but today was clearly not the day they’d start. He moved towards the pair and picked his daughter up and wrapped his free arm around Dean’s waist, feeling his husband’s arm settle on his back._

_“Dean, take her to the park for a while. I’ll get some rest at home; we both know you don’t let me do that at night anyway.” Cas said with a wink._

_Cas’s jab at Dean made Sarah giggle and while she was busy trying to convince her fathers to let her go out, Dean leaned in and whispered in his ear,_

_“I never heard you complain about that. In fact, if memory serves me right, you’re a very active participant.”_

_Cas blushed and playfully pushed his husband away._

_“Go! You guys get ready and go to the park while I rest a bit. Then when the princess and her handmaiden are back, we’ll watch a movie. Okay, Sarah?”_

**_I’d send a postcard to you, dear_**  
**_‘Cause I wish you were here_**

Cas closed his eyes against the onslaught of tears that the memory brought up. It was their anniversary that day and after having celebrated with family and friends on the weekend, Dean and Cas had wanted to spend the day of the actual anniversary with their daughter at home. He still remembered how happy they had been. Just thinking about Sarah and Dean made his heart ache terribly. He had been so happy to get some alone time that day that he had basically pushed the two of them out of the door, he hadn’t even told them he loved them.

Realizing that he had been crying, Cas got up to wash his face and made his way into the kitchen. With a sigh, he turned on the lights and looked around. In the past three years, he hadn’t been living. Just…existing. And he didn’t see that changing any time soon. After three failed suicide attempts, he had finally given up on that and resigned himself, not knowing if he could bear another failed try, to existing for however many more years, going through the motions of going to work, coming back and forcing himself to eat something, sleeping, and repeating, before he died- sad and alone, surrounded only by the silence of their- _his_ house.

**_I watch the night turn light blue_**  
**_But it’s not the same without you_**

On nights like this when he couldn’t sleep, he would wrap himself up in one of Dean’s hoodies and bake himself an apple pie because it reminded him of how Dean and Sarah would bake it in the middle of the night, inadvertently waking him up by their giggles, which led to the three of them eating warm pie until the sun rose. The memory of Dean and Sarah’s laughter wrenched out a sob from his mouth, and he broke down crying at the kitchen counter, surrounded by half peeled apples. Three years later, his heart still ached like it had happened yesterday.

_A couple of hours later, the bell rang, waking Cas up from his nap. He rolled his eyes at his husband’s forgetfulness - he always forgot his keys when he took Sarah anywhere because they were too alike and too excited about going out to remember that Dean was actually an adult._

_Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Cas made his way downstairs to open the door. The lack of little girl noises outside made him figure that Sarah had tired out from all the fun and excitement and had fallen asleep. The thought brought a small smile to his face which was immediately wiped off when he opened the door._

_“Can I help you, officers?” he asked cautiously as he saw two police officers standing at the door._

_The officers exchanged a look that Cas couldn’t decipher, and the taller one of them spoke up. “Is this the Winchester-Novak household?”_

_A sense of dread made its way up Cas’ spine as he answered them. “Yes, it is. I am Castiel Winchester-Novak.”_

_“Do you know a Dean Winchester-Novak?”_

_Cas instantly froze up and went into panic mode. Had something happened to Dean? To Sarah? All he could do was nod dumbly and hope nothing bad had happened._

_“Yes, I do. Dean is my husband.”_

_“I’m afraid we have some bad news for you.”_

**_And I'll forget the world that I knew_**  
**_But I swear I won't forget you_**

A random shooting on the street, they had said. Three bullets and ten seconds later, his husband and his little baby girl were lying on the ground, dead in a puddle of their own blood. Three years later, they still hadn’t caught the shooter or figured out why they did it. At this point, Cas didn’t even have the energy to care. He had had to bury his husband and his daughter on the 10th anniversary of their marriage, and it was the single worst day of his life.

The two days after he got the news were a total blank in his mind. All he remembered from those days was going to the morgue to identify the bodies. No matter how much he tried, he would never forget Dean just lying there, pale and cold with two bullet holes in his stomach, but otherwise unharmed, and Sarah - his precious baby - with one single hole through her head. The only silver lining of it all - if you could even call it that - was that he was told that their deaths were instantaneous and that they had felt no pain.

Castiel had very hazy memories of the funeral. He remembers insisting on carrying the graves and lowering them into the ground, and he remembers getting so drunk afterwards that he almost choked on his own vomit. Had it not been for Sam staying the night with him, he probably would have died that day. Sometimes he wishes Sam wasn’t there so that he could stop suffering every second of the day.

What should have been their 13th anniversary, and almost 6 years since they adopted Sarah, was instead spent on the kitchen floor, sobbing for his lost happiness, surrounded by half peeled apples and listening to Taylor Swift’s songs because despite what Dean said, he loved her songs, and so did Sarah.

Cas had no idea how much time had passed, but the next thing he knew, it was 7pm and he was sitting with a knife in his hand and writing a message to his sister, Anna, and to Sam, who had been a steady constant over the last three years.

**To: Sam, Anna**  
**_I’m sorry._ **

**_Oh if my voice could reach back through the past_**  
**_I'd whisper in your ear,_**  
**_"Oh darling I wish you were here"_**

The first cut he made was deep, and he felt relief crashing over him like pure ecstasy. He had no idea how, but he knew that this time would be final. Maybe it was the depth of the cut, or maybe it was the grief that was too overpowering, but he knew he would die on the same day as the rest of his family, three years apart. He just hoped that if afterlife was real, he would meet them there, that he would be happy again.

With each second that passed, and every drop of blood that he lost, he felt himself losing his breath, but at the same time, he felt like he could breathe lightly again. As Cas lay there, he embraced the darkness with open arms. Either afterlife was real and he would meet Dean and Sarah again, or it wasn’t and he’d never see them again- hold them in his arms and tell them how much he loved them. Either way, he’d finally be out of his misery and that was the last thought that passed through his mind as he passed away with a smile on his face.

**Author's Note:**

> Did you weep or are you like me?


End file.
